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A Thing At A Time

I was born in 1970, after 3 days of my life my mom gave me to a chinese man for an adoption... most people say i am so lucky... lucky? i am thankful and blessed for he raised me, feed me and send to good schools. Now, i am almost 38 yrs. old married with 3 kids,
LUCKY... a big word with deep meanings... what is luck? winning the lottery... finding the love of your life... success in life and career... for me luck is just to see how my mom looks like... my life from the very start is tough.. tough enough that i experienced being rediculed, words which your heart will be thorn, crying without tears because i ran out of it, believe me or not until now it happen, when there are issues some people use it against me and say harsh words to me. And they even have nothing to do with it...
ADOPTION... to adopt a child is an act of humility,,, adopting a child is not only for food, house etc. it is a huge obligation, for my experience, i was fed well... but i grew up alone, i wasnt treated as a family member, since i was taken without legal papers i always here the word.. your have no right... the words ampon (adopted), singaw (came from no where), sampid. I am not a kid anymore but the feeling stays maybe ill die with it, if i will be given a chance to choose.. it should have been better if i have died before i was born, everybody see me smile, laugh, a strong person who fight but inside i bleed,,, i am bleeding since my childhood, and i can feel i will snap anytime... if i let this pull me down a bit deeper i could go insane... i am being tortured by depression and self pity... i am fighting this feeling for my children they are young and i know they still need my love and protection.
Let me picture the feeling i have and im sure some can relate to this.... the feeling being alone, no relative, no blood connections,... no body to run to if i needed some comfort... i have no identity, i dont even know what my race is, everything about me before my marriage are fake...there is a filipino tradition the " utang na loob" this means if anybody gave a favor it is not payable by anything... this is what i need to deal with, i give and give, result? nothing is left for me... i am not talking about money only... everything!!! i am so empty inside and out...
Ill try to survive... i do a thing at a time...

4 comments:

autumn said...

first of all, thanks for dropping by to my page. so nice of you.^^

about your blog, i felt sorry for you. but i think you gotta move on from your past. leave it all behind. try to let go all the bad feelings you have deep inside you. coz it won't help you at all. you already got kids. and try to give them the love you never felt before. i know this is an unsolicited advice. but i hope somehow, it'll help you feel much better. and i can be your friend if you want to. =]

jackie said...

autumn.. thanks for the advice, i was really feeling down when i post this, but ill be ok ;-)

autumn said...

you're welcome. i hope so, too. nobody can really help you but yourself. keep the faith. =]

Anonymous said...

These are the greivances coming from a good hearted and benovalent person. Jackie you have a romantinc and litteratural affected mind. A person who has a romantic skill only can be write a story , if it may be of herself then also. So please go ahead ,I think in near future you can write a good novel, through which you will be floated in this world of liturature. And I know you have more experience , which you already got through out your life. So don’t waste your time, but start to write. Raju