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A Thing At A Time

I was born in 1970, after 3 days of my life my mom gave me to a chinese man for an adoption... most people say i am so lucky... lucky? i am thankful and blessed for he raised me, feed me and send to good schools. Now, i am almost 38 yrs. old married with 3 kids,
LUCKY... a big word with deep meanings... what is luck? winning the lottery... finding the love of your life... success in life and career... for me luck is just to see how my mom looks like... my life from the very start is tough.. tough enough that i experienced being rediculed, words which your heart will be thorn, crying without tears because i ran out of it, believe me or not until now it happen, when there are issues some people use it against me and say harsh words to me. And they even have nothing to do with it...
ADOPTION... to adopt a child is an act of humility,,, adopting a child is not only for food, house etc. it is a huge obligation, for my experience, i was fed well... but i grew up alone, i wasnt treated as a family member, since i was taken without legal papers i always here the word.. your have no right... the words ampon (adopted), singaw (came from no where), sampid. I am not a kid anymore but the feeling stays maybe ill die with it, if i will be given a chance to choose.. it should have been better if i have died before i was born, everybody see me smile, laugh, a strong person who fight but inside i bleed,,, i am bleeding since my childhood, and i can feel i will snap anytime... if i let this pull me down a bit deeper i could go insane... i am being tortured by depression and self pity... i am fighting this feeling for my children they are young and i know they still need my love and protection.
Let me picture the feeling i have and im sure some can relate to this.... the feeling being alone, no relative, no blood connections,... no body to run to if i needed some comfort... i have no identity, i dont even know what my race is, everything about me before my marriage are fake...there is a filipino tradition the " utang na loob" this means if anybody gave a favor it is not payable by anything... this is what i need to deal with, i give and give, result? nothing is left for me... i am not talking about money only... everything!!! i am so empty inside and out...
Ill try to survive... i do a thing at a time...

hot day!!!

Today... me and my son went to a bank to claim his Pay Pal Atm card and also to deposit a little amt. to activate the account... God! its so hot outside 92F... i hate summer... this is why iam planning to go to Europe next week ha ha only in my dreams... iam in the Philippines... a 3rd world country... a poor country but a very BIG BUT... according to survey we the Filipinos are the 11th most happy people in the world... why??? because most of the filipinos dont take life seriously they are satisfied with a daily life basis meaning no work today no food to eat, got it??... sad to say but its true... and maybe that is the reason why we are a poor country... can u believe we had a president who cannot even speak english well... guess who???